This morning, I read a quote that explains everything about my life since Charlie died.
The loneliest part of getting old isn’t the solitude - it’s the slow realization that most of the connections you maintained for decades were held together by proximity, routine and obligation rather than genuine affection.
I sought therapy, I sought out old friends. I signed up for classes, attended grief group gatherings, initiated get togethers. Even though we would have a good time, it didn’t generate reciprocity and lead nowhere.
The only solution it appeared is making new friends, which at this age is difficult to do. Difficult to find persons who have similar interests and who do not have mobility, health or financial issues.
What I know for sure is that you can’t keep what is not yours, you cannot lose what you never had, and can’t hold on to something that doesn’t want to stay. Best to accept, let go, and move on.
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Writer Leo Rosten on the purpose of life:
“The purpose of life is not to be happy at all. It is to be useful, to be honorable. It is to be compassionate. It is to matter, to have it make some difference that you lived."
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People make time for those they want to make time for. If they wanted to they would. I decided I am done with people who value the friendship of others more than mine. There’s room for all of us.
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“I think we underestimate how rare it is to be understood. Today I pointed at the red lights reflecting on the rain soaked road. The whole street looked like it was glowing.
I pointed at it… you looked.
and before I could explain why I couldn’t stop staring at it, you already understood. And it made me realize something. Life become incredibly lonely when you’re constantly translating yourself. When every beautiful thing you notice, every feeling you have, every thought that excites you has to be explained before it can be understood. It’s like speaking a language no one around you knows. Maybe that’s why finding your people matters so much. Not because they agree with everything you say. But because they speak the same language as your heart. The kind of poeple who don’t make you spend your whole life trying to prove why something is beautiful, why something hurts or why something matters. They just look where you’re pointing and they see it, too.” Shravanti Dhali